I don’t exist in your world anymore. But when I did, did i exist in your eyes? Do I You were always with another girl and I always thought myself too small to be a significant being. I was incompete, imperfect and uncomfortable with myself, and you were like the sun. Now that we are apart I’ve begun to understand that you are not as perfect as I thought you to be. But why can you not be replaced?
I like your smile. You always seemed to know how to react. But I couldn’t join in in your jokes because I couldn’t bring myself to be funny with you. Hence we were never friends. We couldn’t be.
With the farm burnt and buried in the past, the now homeless chicken was taking a half excited, more than half fearful step into the unknown world of chicken. Everyit would be better than it was. But is it even possible to rise to the top?
It fears to be alone, but more than so it fears to be less than any it. Selfishness and pride settles in. It was it’s only pride after all. Without it, the chicken had nothing, absolutely nothing to live for. The cooplings laughed and mocked the chicken about its absurd squawk that it could be better.
The more they disbelieved, the more it doubted itself. Doubt turned to fear and fear twisted into insanity.
Nothing less nothing less nothing less.
All the fragile pride that built up for 3 years had shattered. “Start from zero”, she said. “You are zero” it heard.
And it echoed and it echoed in its hollowing chicken heart.
They say that humans can’t live alone… I would love to beg to differ. The main reason why conversations are formed is to complain about humans that make your life difficult. This way, you only get to know more of these difficult beings. A downward spiral, mess.
One may fake a smile and get a crappy appointment which you momentarily got swayed into because of troubling presences such that even WITHOUT the presence of these beings, we are endlessly BURDENED by this Bullcrap. Appointments, arrangements. I can almost say I hate humans and their presence. It’s BOTHERSOME. It’s a shame that they exist.
New place new beginnings. MAKE LOTS OF FRIENDS. Who needs friends? Why do I have to make friends? Aren’t we all better off alone? Rather than being bothered by this cotton candy wall of attack and defense. Sugar coated backstabs that forces you to be an asshole.
RIGHT FUCK IT IF I END UP ALONE FOR LIFE NO? Entering the world of no one’s a friend, I don’t exactly want to waste my energy pretending anymore. 2 years anyway, what’s the point of chummy emotional attachments? You’re probably gonna end up alone again at the close, cussing at yourself at why you even bothered to let yourself have unnecessary trouble? Not like you’re gonna remember any of them afterwards?
AARGH I’m so annoyed. It’s not like she couldn’t whine and cry about petty Bullcrap me did this my fault bye image what nots. So WHY can’t I just do the cheerful ending slap you in the face “fuck you and all the times I wanted to do this” and leave her in humiliation? WHY CANT I JUST DO THAT? I hate this place. Too many people. Gotta move gotta go like now NOW.
Perhaps you are going through this, perhaps you might go through it in the future, maybe in the past, maybe never at all. Expectations pile on you like you did the world wrong.
Why can’t you be like her? Confident and strong, open and daring in fashion style and attitude? Why are you such cowardly bullshit in comparison? Why ? Or maybe you shouldn’t be like her after all! Straightforward and studious. You’re too young to be daring, wouldn’t be able to control yourself after all, you’d be a disaster, unlike her, well.
The other her is in comparison a better option to be like? Won’t you learn to be like her? Hardworking and all that? It’s the attitude! The attitude! Calm composure? Too hard for you perhaps no.
No. Be like him. He’s like the perfect person to be like. Though perhaps overconfident a little but otherwise perfect. Unlike you well,in every way.
At least you seem to be kind.
Being like this won’t get you anywhere. Your uselessness won’t get you anywhere. Have you heard of that girl? What she’s done ? What she had started?
Why can’t you learn. Why are you still so useless. Why can’t you? Why aren’t you? What are you? What am I?
What if I don’t want to be compared with anyone? So what if I won’t make it in life? So what if I end up alone and rotting away in a corner of nobody wants and nobody likes? Does the world care? Will the world judge?
Why can’t you learn to be like them?
Why cant you be original?
What are you supposed to be trying to be?
Why are you trying at all?
If you keep getting pushed around in the rapids how far will you go till you hit the waterfalls. What if even then it’s not the end? What if that’s just life?
By this time on earth we would have probably figured out that the grass is never greenest at our feet so why shouldn’t we give up and move to a rock? “You’ll never catch up with the rest of them” well SORRY for being such a loser, but it’s not like outrunning them would give my existence MEANING.
"What about you?" Is a common rebut because we KNOW that you aren’t any better, did you work hard? Did you not? Did you consider coming to our side of the fence? The side where the losers,outcasts and freaks stand un-united? Perhaps in your jolly world of what should be right you are alone as well.
Love songs don’t mean anything when there isn’t anything to feel. Even breakup songs or heartbreak songs, unrequited love songs or even stalker songs don’t mean anything. What does it mean when you listen to the pain of forgiving and letting go, the hate in betrayal, and all you feel is empty jealousy. Scream at the too of your lungs to try to understand your own heart then realise it’s 2am and the walls aren’t sound proof and there’s civilization around. Let’s not sleep tonight. Let’s converse with yourself till daybreak shall we? Dammit I’m starting to sound like smeagol
The thing about holidays is you get to see so few people, most of which you don’t actually want to see, that you get so increasingly comfortable in your own company. New people, old friends, new traditions, rejections, coldness. Your existence in a new place is to the extent of a visitor. So WHY NOT?
No. Don’t go begging to stay, there are better things to do, like escape, like live, like treat yourself well. If there’s something to learn, you can learn it, even alone. Don’t go grabbing other’s tails,no. Not even if it means you ain’t gonna see anyone for the rest of the week or month. I AINT GOING BACK TO THAT HELLHOLE. And I’m tired of pretending.
New plans and new goals. This just shows how reasons don’t sit with you. Don’t go forcing yourself to believe if you know it’s an act. What can you trust? What can you believe in? Perhaps deep down you know. Perhaps deep down you understand that by letting this go you have OFFICIALLY no one to turn to. SO WHAT?
Is it bad to turn away from communication and civilization? Is it really that bad? Is it not just the expectation of all the other sardines packed in the city-can hoping that you rot in that crap with them? How do you spend this time that you have? What time?
What it means to be stranded. In a pot full of boiling glares and random vegetables that don’t care but still you’re different. The new meat in the pot of conversations and games you don’t know and you’re just that bit too tired of pretending to fit in. So you wash away in the rain finding a corner to talk to yourself and you realize the cold glares comes from your own eyes. You’re the fridge in the fireplace that’s burning you down not the other way round but you’re too tired to try to turn in around.
Push the blame around I want to go home to a place where I fit in a bed that I own. The fireplace is out of your sight but you can still hear the warmth which is too complete for another extra piece to fit in.
But you’re not going to get anywhere by sitting aside and you know it. Like the day before and the day before that. Must you paint the smile on your face and squeeze a place to fit in?
You know you can’t keep holding on to the only thing you know but everything is taken and you’re back on your own.
You tell yourself that you should get away, to another pot of fire, a different place. But, you know it’s just gonna be the same, just gonna stick around and wait for backs to turn away.